At The Dispatch, I’m making a case against customized wedding vows. Promising marriage is entering an pre-existing institution, not an act of expressive individualism.
Classically, the marriage vows are not about the particular couple standing at the altar—they’re about the institution the couple is choosing to enter. Classical vows (for better, for worse, etc) have lasted with only minor revisions for a thousand years. They are intended to suit every couple, uncustomized, and they enumerate the promises that must be kept for a marriage to be a marriage. But customized vows frequently mingle serious promises with ones that cannot or should not be kept.
It’s not necessary in marriage to “always laugh at your jokes,” it’s not necessarily possible to “never go to bed angry,” and it’s actively counterproductive to “pretend not to notice” a particular flaw. For the newlyweds, it’s easy for customized vows to be more backward-looking—telling the story of their relationship so far—rather than looking ahead to the sickness and health, better and worse that awaits them.